a blog by La Kifo
In honor of being stuck on a plane without a single song on my phone, my laptop essentially trapped under the seat in front of me, here is a reminder of how to utterly disgust and piss off everyone around you while on a plane.
The very first is something that sometimes goes under the radar of disgust when not on a plane.
If the human next to you in the aisle or in the window seat has done nothing wrong to you or stole your arm rest, one sure fire way to make that homosapien show the inside of a bag what they ate earlier in the day is picking at or popping pimples on any part of your body.
Some people can handle the sight of a popped pimple and the process. The majority of society, including myself, finds it repulsive. Don't even show me a video of pimples popping. I don't care, how hot the chick popping them pimps is, I don't want to see it. I hope people understand my plight, because as soon as the passenger beside me sat down, she began to pop pimples up and down her arm as if it would prevent atrophy. Not to mention, I'm in the window seat. This bitch has been popping pimples on to the arm rest not two inches away from my elbow and it's making me want to puke.
Hey, come one. Stop being such a fairy Keef, it is just a yellow-white, more or less viscid substance produced by suppuration and found in abscesses, sores, etc., consisting of a liquid plasma in which white blood cells are suspended.*
Well, the story does not end with 27 pus patties sitting on the arm rest to my right, because the flight crew handed out a very generously small bag of complimentary peanuts, not too long ago. Just let the record show, I do enjoy peanuts and at the time, I was fairly hungry. Now since I am in the window seat, the peanuts were handed down the line of two passengers sitting beside me. Where do my peanuts end up? In none other than Miss. Pus paws grasp.
No more peanuts for Keef. Keef can either contract whatever bodily virus being carried in the pus of this patron or starve for 2 hours with a perfectly good bag of peanuts staring me in the eye.
Quick side note, I really hope she isn't reading this as I am typing it right next to her. At the same time, I hope she is. Stop fucking popping your gross pimples in my vicinity.
I don't care what kind of pimples you are trying to pop. Any kind is the wrong kind to be disposing of in public. I don't run around Brighton scratching the shit remnants from my asshole. You'll never see me, wiping away crusted cum from my groin while riding on the T.
Moving on, this second one might be my internal bias coming out to play. Fuck Kids.
I fucking hate children.
Are you really trying to get inside the head of the overweight dude farting into your air for an hour? Put a child in a seat anywhere near him.
I'm not entirely sure if you've gotten the idea yet but children are the absolute worst. They should be banned from flight. The best option I have for any middle aged miserable shmucks dragging their kid somewhere too far for a car, is to change seating requirements. Specifically those pertaining to children. My inclination is people flying with children or simply just children should be forced to fly on separate planes from 14+ year old community. Tell me that wouldn't make travel by air at least twice as convenient and comfortable, I dare you.
But some people might get up in arms about not being able to fly on better schedules, more convenient flight times with their children. So hey, let us make a compromise.
Children under the age of 14, maybe even 12, are still a headache inducing problem. My solution, take a broken, forgot system and put it back into place.
Humanoids approaching the ripe age of their mid 40s will remember a day in air travel that allowed smoking. How about, we return to that system, but treat children as cigarettes. I mean they are very similar, both can end your life, both only provide momentary periods of satisfaction and relief. So let's throw them in the same category.
People traveling with children may only book seats within the back 7 rows of the plane. In between the first row of children seating and the last row of non children seating, there will be a single row gap, to make sure that no proper adult has to deal with a drooling disaster of a yet to develop adult. I don't want to say all kids have excess amounts of energy, because I don't want to speak for the masses of children being force fed Adderall.
During my flight to Chicago, not only did I have the pimp popper sitting next to me but a kid no older than 10 sitting behind me. I owe counseling a great deal, because without my counseling, I would have went off on the child and his family sitting behind me. I guess yelling at your cousin, brother or whatever, full tilt, when he's in the same aisle and constantly kicking my seat as if he was in a karate tournament, is nothing new. But, there is a reason I remember my parents telling me not to fidget or kick or make noise on a plane the first time I remember traveling by one.
Not even getting into babies on a plane, I don't know how they haven't banned infant air travel. Babies are even worse than children. I find myself mind bottled thinking of why anyone would want to bring a baby onto a plane. ‘I haven't sleep since this shit monster was born, so it only seems fair, regardless of flight time, that you also will not be able to sleep’. Fuck a baby ass bitch. It's almost a scientific fact, take a non-cognitive being and expose it to an adverse/uncomfortable situation and it is going to lash out. If eventime I go up in the air, the grump meter rises by fifty because my ears get a little funky, imagine what is happening inside the empty skull of a baby.
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Brian - Just a mild mannered kid/adult trying to figure out the way.
Big Red - If you don't chew Big Red then FUCK YOU