The Sorrowing Story of a Mr. Salami

NBC:
A man has been arrested after police say he grabbed a girl who was playing in the front yard of a home in Wheaton and tried to take her.

Kabir K. Salami, 20, has been charged with kidnapping, false imprisonment and second-degree assault.

Montgomery County police said about 7:50 p.m. Salami opened a gate and entered the yard at a home in the 11400 block of Monterrey Drive where a 6-year-old girl was playing.

The girl's mom witnessed Salami grab her daughter and intervened by placing herself between him and the gate, police said. The mother was able to free her daughter from the suspect's grasp.

Salami fled from the yard when the girl and mother ran inside to call 9-1-1. Police said he came back to the home a few minutes later and pounded on the front door before fleeing again.

Police found Salami in the 11200 block of Viers Mill Road. He told officer during an interview that he came back to the home to talk to the girl and give her a hug, police said.

Salami has been ordered held without bond.

I mean I don't want to keep saying what everyone has on their mind. But I guess I just have to say. I feel bad for Mr. Salami. Such a sad story, such a lonely man. The pain this man has endured, the trials and tribulations this light soul has undertaken. Such a travesty, knowing that there is an entire family enduring such torture of bearing the surname. What a fucking name. That has to be top 10 worst name of all time. Right up there with Ronald Macdonald. 

What are you gonna do? Throw this guy in jail? Yea okay just throw another criminal in jail, great idea. Hasn't anyone ever thought that we might need some criminals not in jail to balance out the ones in jail?

Besides what are you supposed to do when your name is Mr. Salami? Not kidnap kids? Are you seriously going to ask that of this man? It doesnt matter how intelligent, charismatic he is, his name is Mr. Salami. 

Hey Mr. Salami did you receive the memo earlier? Mr. Salami I have a important fax from corporate. Mr. Salami the pigs are prepped for slaughter. Mr. Salami the Chinese clients have arrived. That doesn't sound right, and I just put that through every possible scenario there is. Those all sounded like segments from Johnny Karate Super Musical Explosion Show.  

No this guy was driven to this life, you can't blame him because he lives in it.