a best of list by La Kifo
The final installment of the best of 2016. I do have to admit, this has been an emotional journey. Recounting the year as it was always brings out the best and the worst from my memories. Let's start this up before I start crying out of my asshole, I had cheese this morning so things are not sitting well.
A couple of rules:
Today the final installment of the best of list series will end on a high note. I bring to you the forgotten categories. The categories I made up and couldn't think of a way to relate them to each other. I don't lie to you, some of these categories really dig deep in the crux of what is to be in the limelight of celebrity. So let's drop the puck and prime ourselves for the final wild ride of 2016.
As previously established, I would never lie to you. So this first list is going to be brutally honest. Just because some of these people died doesn't mean we absolutely forgot they hadn't while they were actually still alive.
1. Gene Wilder:
I loved Charlie and the Chocolate Factory too, but don't lie to yourself. We had no clue this dude was even alive until his demise in 2016. If you still want to deny this fact, think of this; Gene Wilder was known for being a comedian. Did you know that? If you do now, chances are you didn't before he died. Almost the entire population learned he was supposed to be a comedian as apposed to an actor, when he ultimately died.
Listen, before we get all sensitive; I am not shitting on Gene Wilder. I am sure he was a great stand up and actor in the post WWII era, but this dude was fucking old.
If your response to hearing of his death was exactly the same as mine, then you said something like, "Gene Wilder, he's the guy from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I've been trying to remember that dudes name for a couple weeks".
2. Big Names from the stand alone Batman Trilogy:
I think it safe to say the men and women involved in the making of the three Christopher Nolan, Batman films have had better days in their career. The status of their celebrity has dropped considerably. Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Christopher Nolan, Maggie Gyllenhall, Katie Holmes, Christian Bale, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Gary Oldman, the production crew, the editing crew, the writing crew each and every one of them has seen better days. Since the trilogy of Bat, Mann, Morgan Freeman has been seen in trash such as Madame Secretary, Ben-Hur, his niece, London Has Fallen, Yo Gabba Gabba, Last Vegas, Now You See Me, Now You See Me 2, Olympus Has Fallen, Dolphin Tale 2. The list keeps going, because here is the pile of shit that Christopher Nolan has produced since his Batman trilogy. Man of Steel, and Interstellar. How about a quick look at the work combined by the rest of the cast since appearing in at least one of the trilogies three movies (excluding Christian Bale).
Katie Holmes - Married and had a child with Tom Cruise, Thank You for Smoking, Mad Money, The Romantics, The Extra Man, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, The Son of No One, Jack and Jill, Underdogs, Days and Nights, The Giver, Miss Meadows, Woman in Gold, Touched by Fire, All We Had.
I am not even kidding, I just listed every movie she has worked on since her appearance in the first Nolan Batman movie and I don't remember a single one of them. Worse, I don't think I even knew that these movies existed before scrolling through her IMDB page.
Gary Old Man - Guns, Girls, and Gambling, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Robocop, Child 44, Man Down, Criminal
Maggie Gyllenhaal - Frank, Won't Back Down, Hysteria, Nanny McPhee Returns, Crazy Heart, Away We Go
I actually liked the movie Frank a lot. Solid movie.
Michael Caine - Now You See Me, Last Love, Stoneheart Assylm, Kingsmen, Interstellar, Youth, The Last Witch Hunter, Now You See Me 2
I will concede, Interstellar, Kingsmen, and The Last Witch Hunter are class movies, absolute class. Great films.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Premium Rush, Looper, Lincoln, Don Jon, The Wind Rises, Sin City: A Dame to Kill for, The Interview, The Walk, The Night Before, Snowden, Straight Outta Oz
Don Jon is brutally one of the least watchable movies I have ever seen, right up there next to Running With Scissors. What makes it worse is that JGL not only stared in the movie but directed and wrote the entire thing. Despite what critics with wine bottles shoved up their anuses tell you, Running with Scissors, may be the best worst movie of all time. Watch it, or watch as much as you can because I got less than twenty minutes in before I had to turn it off or risk hanging myself.
3. Nick Cannon:
I guess it is hard to make the argument that we forgot about Nick Cannon when most of us never knew of him in the first place. At the same time is forgetting someone and not knowing of their existence all that dissimilar.
4. Joey Crawford:
Kind of sad this guy is gone, but just because we forgot about Joey Craw, doesn't mean we are okay with it or enjoy his absence. Craw Daw brought so much passionate controversy and unneccesary stoppages to an already simple game. The voracious way the man used to insult stadium workers was inspiring. The blatant arrogance manufactured was palpable.
In this day and age of society it seems like there is an idustry within being hot and nearly exposing yourself. While the two must not be mutually exclusive. This trend has caused a perculiar phenomenon of women exirting nearly no time and effort in exchange for a stable living.
You may want to argue keeping up a good appearance is a lot of work. It is, but is nothing compared to the souless depths of real world jobs like blogging on the internet. So to honor this brave young women here are the best borderline nudes of 2016.
1. Kim Kardashian:
This bitch is the queen of borderline nudes. All you gotta do is follow her on instagram and snapchat. But I guess that since karma hit her harder from behind than Ray J, she is apparantly slow down on the borderline nudes for awhile. Just for the record, I had to do a lot of investigating to find the exact pictures I wanted to post so that last little tid bit is something I learned while spending too much time looking for ass and braless shots of this sudo-celebrity.
Not only does she have the largest bank of borderline nudes for a non-pornstar (debatable), she has the highest of quality. It is almost as if she knows and wants people to constantly snap pictures of her 75% naked.
2. The Jenner sisters:
I have to post pictures of the continued Kardashian clan but I would rather get the easier part out of the way first. These figuritive clones of the older Kardashian generations might as well just be considered pre-sex tape Kardashians. They are getting close or navigating towards the peak of their hotness and our pension to ignore how uninteresting they truly are due to the latter. I could totally be wrong, but one of them has already fundamentally changed her general appearance significantly through plasitic surgery. The other is the ugliest of the hotest of the hot women in the modeling industry. One looks like a trainwreck waiting to happen, the other a few more years of obsecurity away from a dangerous cry for attention.
What they can do though, look hot. That is the one thing that has a guaranteed shelf life over five years with these girls.
3. Bruce Vilanch:
If you deny knowing what I am talking about, your worse than the chickens. Instagram is a bastion solely used for mid-day boners and quick bathroom jerk sesh's. Serious, Instagram has been banned at my last three jobs, the shower pipes just got clogged too frequently.
Instagram is not just the app that gives us endless pictures of the hotest babes but it essentially created the entire category of borderline nudes. If we did not have the divine app, Instagram, we probably wouldn't have Bruce Vilanch, Kim Kardashian or any other women on this list.
5. Daily Mail:
If we want to talk about websites and apps that should be banned in the workplace, add Daily Mail to that list. Daily Mail is one of my major sources when it comes to borderline nudes. The British over at Daily Mail have a certain type of glee when covering stories centered around a womans ass.
I have had my quarrels with Daily Mail before but those can and will never change the respect and admiration I adorn them for the work they do finding, and paying for borderline nudes. We shouldn't expect each and every celebrity to want to show us the entirity of their body in a few days of posts.
The 18 year old 'Modern Family' actress has a stunning instagram. Leaving little to imagination seems not to be her only prerogative. She labels a lot of skin exposing posts as body awareness.
I think she's hot, and I follow her on Instagram. The problem is, I basically grew up watching her on TV. Also, not in the way which she was a slightly more matured teen growing up faster than I. No, I am at least 5 years older than her. So putting her on this list gives off a step-sister kind of porn vibe.
Besides she just turned 18, and it's still creepy to think about fucking her. I'll have to give to at least 19 until I won't feel like a pedophile for wanting to sleep with Ariel.
Here we are, the final category of 2016. It has been a long, meaningful journey, one that I do not wish to sit back and reminisce upon. There is far too much to do and too little time.
This category is suited for people who would have been of more use to 2016, as a double densed douche. It could include anyone, even my fucking mail man. But the man whom brings the mail and I are on good terms for now.
1. Ted Cruz:
I am still debating whether Ted Cruz is a well congealed physical state contained in a thin plastic like casing, such as the ones used to make hot dogs and sausage. There is some serious evidence which indicates his physical state is somewhere caught between liquid and physical. Supposedly, he may be a gelatenous form that upon touch dissolves quickly.
In this case, I think Ted Cruz would have been better off as a female product douche as opposed to whatever form of life he may be. Ted Cruz got flushed down the drain, and flushed down hard. I guess it is ones natural reaction when seeing such a unsymmetrical face.
Getting back to my earlier point. If Cruz is even somewhat of the gelatenous monster we think he is, he would have worked perfectly as a douche. Being solid and liquid at the same time, he could morph his geometric shape to fit inside any and all kinds of vaginas. Versatility is a key to make it onto this list, and Cruz displays immense amounts of it when considering the possibilities of using him as a douche.
If his publicists can make him stand up straight, then I am sure they can make some sort of coating within his plastic casing that can only absorb more liquid. Why wouldn't he want that? With each vagina he douches out, he grows bigger, stronger, and less smelly.
2. Mark Zuckerberg:
I don't think I ever liked this guy. He is a damp towel if I have ever seen one, and what is a douche but not a slightly damp towel? What really threw him into the conversation was this doucheseidon (add douche to the ending of Poseidon) commercial he made.
What a squid, what a fucking squid. Who wants to have god constantly talking to through your house? Do you realize how much sinning he would witness you if you put him inside your own home?
Anyway, what would make Zuckerberg a great douche is his skinny frame. He would be the solution to the deepest of deep vaginas out there. Britney Griner needs a functional douche too guys. But the skinny frame is not the only great douchessity, the triangular, squished face really helps him avoid getting stuck in small crevices. Believe me, when it comes to being a douche, the one thing you must look out for are gaping crevices.
3. Pete Rose:
Honestly, I am getting very tired. This blog has taken me 2+ hours at this point and I just want to finish it. I don't know why I wrote to myself that Pete Rose could be used as a douche. How could he?
He's old as fuck, and his leathery skin would not absorb a drop of liquid stuck inside a vagina.
That last sentence, made me realize I don't actually know what a douchebag is meant for. I would google it right now but I am afraid the definition will take what I am saying in this category and turn it into a jumble of little sense. I'm going full court press. I am pushing through. I don't give a fuck what douche means, or what it is to douche. I'm not French, nor do I have a vagina, contrary to popular belief.
Now that I have soaked myself back into the dying paragraphs of this blog, I can remember why Pete Rose made the list.
The thing is, it doesn't matter that Petes skin is essentially leather. The man has enough flaps of skin to lap up water like a dogs tongue, and judging by the amount of flaps he's got, he would have been one hell of a douche.
Fuck, finally. Another minute of lists and I might be dead on the floor. The problem is not the actual amount of work, or the writing, the problem is I get distracted often and especially everytime I need to find a picture. I had specific photos in mind for one of the lists, and finding those were a huge bitch.
We outtie, 2016 was a pretty boss year people. We had a lot of great people, great music that I heard for the first time, and some great borderline nuddies. If 2017 is as good as people say 2016 was bad, then I can't wait for what happens in the next 11 months.
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