Sean Spicy Spicer Throwing out Siracha Sized Sidewinders

a blog by La Kifo

If you don't know, then you know, Sean Spicy Spicer, or Tre S, is the Trump Adminstration Press Secretary. So he has to do things like answer endless questions from the media. Questions varying in degrading tone, and mocking manor.

Now, what puts this man in need of seasoning within headlines today is his clarification of the detaining of a 5 year old boy.

Mr. Jalapeno Grill has got a point. Everyone knows the only things that could ever possibly be a threat to national security are middle easters with penises. What kind of dick head moron thinks that women could ever be a threat to national security? Are we really getting that dumb? Let us run a test. Answer the following questions with threat, non-threat, most likely threat, pre-threat, luke warm threat, or eh they could be a threat whose asking?.

Question 1:
70 lb. 12 year old male. Tan skin. Black, silky/oily hair. Forearm hair. Leg hair. Uni-brow hair.

Question 2:
70 lb. 12 year old female. Tan skin. Black, silky/oily hair. Forearm hair. Leg hair. Uni-brow hair.

Question 3.
Too fat to guess weight but passengers on the same flight all had the same immediate concerns upon seeing her inside the aircraft. 26 year old female. White skin. Pink hair. Armpits full of sweat and bags of Doritos. Low cut tank top shirt exposing far too much cleavage.

Question 4.
70 lbs. 18 year old male. Pale as pale can be skin. Hair that no matter how clean it is, looks as if it has never been showered. Minuscule facial hair in the wrong places. No leg hair, chest hair, or arm hair. No friends. Wearing a trench coat. Clothes are mainly black, what is not is red. He never makes eye contact and does not speak much. 

Question 5.
247 lbs. 47 year old male. White with a farmers tan. Wearing overalls and nothing else except knock off timberland boots. Bass pro shops hat on his head and he has his hand firmly gripped around the arm of an oddly similar looking face stuck to the body of a 14 year old girl. Escorting her rapidly as she cries with a terrified look on her face. 

Question 6.
A women carrying a pistol in her right hand. Sleek clothes and shiny reflective sunglasses. She has an assault rifle strapped a seeing eye dog for a blind person, yet she is clearly not blind. She is walking down the hallway, pulling stiff string from hard green balls as she continues to walk while dropping them on the ground. Sexy, long legs, thick thighs. Healthy shiny brown, golden hair wafting behind her as she moved. 


Now look at your the responses you've chosen and compare them to the correct answers. 

Question 1: If you follow the requirements given to us by S3, you will notice that the person in question number one falls under each standard category of threat. He is a male, and he looks like he is from the middle east so that means he is probably from the middle east.

Threat

Question 2: Again, this one is easy if you follow the guidelines given to us by Sean Spicer. Although she looks like she is from the middle east, she is a female, and therefore not a threat. 

Non-Threat

Question 3: While this women may be dangerous to look at, she is not dangerous to our national security. She is one of us! If you are still a bit confused and happened to get this one wrong, take a minute and look at the guidelines. You will find that this human is not a threat to the white christians in the United States.

Non-Threat

Question 4: This kid just looks like he needs a make over. Have him hit the gym, join a sports team, get some friends, become a three sport captain, win over the hot girl in school and become prom king. Not that hard.

Non-Threat

Question 5: How could Uncle Jib be a threat to national security? He's barely more than a threat to our niece's. 

Non-Threat

Question 6: If you kids out there got this last one wrong, you need to take your adderall and study more. We can't have our youth thinking we should detain beautiful women with guns and shady agendas. We need them on our team, what happens if that 12 year old middle easter opens fire on Angelina or Brad? Doesn't matter that they are no longer together, follow the guidelines. If you missed them the first time here they are for the last. 

Sean Spicers Guidelines to Identifying Threats to National Security at the Border

When we find ourselves in sticky situations, it is hard to react quickly in the correct way. Especially if we are not aware of the correct way to deal with that particular situation.  So here are the ways to deal with banning foreigners from our country at any sort of passage within the borders.

To begin my passage barring strategy, you must first open your heart to judging. You have to let the judgment into your heart. Once you've done that, then follow the three step guidance system which will help you determine if in fact they are a threat to national security. Be wary, once this process has begun you must channel all of your judgement in to singular blows of arrogance. Focus and center your judgement to one potential terrorist at a time.

1. Disregard judging the suspects age: This is very important, we cannot let ourselves be swayed by the lies of innocence. If we know one thing about middle easters is that once born a middle easter, always a middle easter. It does not matter how old they are or are not. They are all potential terrorists.
2. Judge gender: This rivals the first in importance. That is because the only gender that is capable of threats to national security are men. Yes I know that is obvious but some people just don't understand. Only men can truly be a threat, so no matter how hard the evidence gets stacked against one person, if they have a vagina, they are not a threat. 
3. Judge Whatever: Take anything and everything into consideration when judging this person. Look at every article of clothing, stare deep into their pores and find every follicle of hair growing from them. You must take everything into account, skin color, eye color, hair color, hair quality, hair type, facial hair, clothing, accessories, scent, grime level, ect. Once you have gathered every bit of information that you can, you must use all of it to answer one final question. Do they look like they are from the middle east? Because if they look like they are from the middle east, they are probably from the middle east. And if they are from the middle east and have penises then they are a threat to national security.