Friday Roast: Jon Jones

a roast by La Kifo

Sorry boys, this one is coming in a day late. I just needed all the facts before I launched into this one. If you don't know by now, Jon Jones, the widely regarded #1 pound for pound fighter in MMA, possibly of all time, tested positive for two banned substances earlier this week leading up to the his title fight with Daniel Cormier today.

I like Jon Jones. For a few different reasons, the biggest being he is the brother of former Patriots defensive end/pass rusher Chandler Jones. Even though Chandler is no longer on the Patriots, I still got love for him and what he did while he was here in New England. So naturally some of my love spilled over from Chandler to Jon. It's all about the fam, the boys take that pretty seriously. 

It's when you fuck with the fam that shit gets serious. Not saying that Jon fucked with my family, but he fucked the UFC. Not just once, twice. Jon Jones was a kid with all the athleticism, talent and physical intangibles one could have. Instead of all that culminating into an impressively well rounded man and fighter, it turned him into a party monster. I'm not going to get all bitchy PC and say people can't party, I like to party. (Jones tested positive cocaine a month before his victory against Daniel Cormier at UFC 182) I really could care less about that. In fact, more people should party. What I don't like is partying so much that you become a danger to yourself and the people around you. Which would match up with Jon Jones's DWI arrest in May 2012. He drove his car straight into a utility pole. 

The latter, was the first red flag of the mans career. The former, was an extreme cause for concern. I would have thought, after getting fucked up, driving into a utility pole, being put on probation, drugs would no longer be a part of the mans life. Jones, following the news of the positive drug tests, checked himself into a drug rehabilitation center. There he spent 24 hours, and since then I have heard the man say things like, I wasn't an addict I just got caught, I didn't have a problem with drugs, or when explaining his positive test for cocaine,  "Basically at a party, and I think a coward would sit here and come up with this elaborate reason or try to blame something. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to blame my friends. I'm not going to blame pressure or stress or anything. What I will say is I messed up. It wasn't a mistake. I can't call it a mistake because I consciously did it." What the fuck is he saying? A little to wordy there guy, messing up isn't a mistake? You're not going to blame your friends, pressure, or stress, but you will bring them up individually?

I stayed up late the past few nights trying to stay on top of all this crazy news coming out of the UFC. It's been exhausting, but not as exhausting as having to hear another high profile cry in front of the collective faces of a nation. When he says, he didn't knowingly take any performance enhancing substance, how are we supposed to believe that after the fail safe procedure which USADA (US Anti-Doping Agency) performs (acquiring two separate testing samples from athletes and testing both if a possible violation is found in one) indicates that you've indeed taken not just one, but two banned substances? There aren't a lot of explanations. The most likely are either he lied, or his team gave him the banned substances unbeknownst to Jon. Dana White had some interesting words on the latter explanation, "You're 28 years old, you're probably the greatest talent to ever step foot in this sport, right? Call USADA and tell them what supplements you're taking. You've already been through this history of just absolute madness. Why would you do this -- forget doing this to us, why would you do this to yourself?
You're a grown-up, and the guys that are around him are just as bad. The guys that are supposed to be looking out for him, and watching his back, gimme a break. Gimme a break. Jon should have cleaned house a long time ago"
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Jon Jones is a coward. He is a liar, and he doesn't deserve the time of day. The guy hides behind this intelligent bravado, constantly lying and currying favor with his well articulated statements. He wants to show us that he is a different breed of human. Someone immune to mistakes, and the temptations of addiction, when in reality he fits into the cookie cutter ideal of the American Athlete Failure story. The Annoying As Fuck story we see and here so often. They make it, atop the mountain of monetary, athletic and social success only to let drugs push them all the way back down. Johnny Manziel, Roger Clemens, Todd Marinovich, Ricky Williams, Dwain Chambers, Lance Armstrong, Len Bias, Steve Howe, Roy Tarpley, Chris Washburn, Jon Jones. The list and story goes on and on.

For Jones family sake, I hope I am totally wrong, I hope that he can live sober, I hope that he can make his way back to the top of the Lightweight division. But at this point it looks so very bad for the former champ.

PS. to be fair to Jon Jones, he seems to have lived his life sober ever since testing positive for cocaine before UFC 182. I like the guy, and I don't get any pleasure from ripping him like this. I get infuriated by this early 90s to late 2000s adage, that steroids/performance enhancers have a place in sports. I don't know what underbelly, scum sucking dick faces are stealing this MEDICINE from clinics and giving it to the last people in the world who need it. Anabolic steroids have a place in society as a medicine, it can help from things as small as poison ivy to as big as breast cancer.