FTB Presents: Friday Roasts

a roast by La Kifo

Get out your calendars, mark it down, every Friday or almost every Friday, I will be coming after someone and giving them thorough roasting. The inaugural Friday Roasts is dedicated to Gersh Kuntzman, and no I did not make up that name. 

I want to start with the obvious here, that name has to be fake. Fake or the worst name ever, Gersh is a traditional name bestowed upon the males of the Kuntzman bloodline. Eight generations of Kuntz have been lucky enough to wear the name of Gersh. 

Are you trying to say Gershwin? Gushers candy? What kind of name is that? Deep in the alps of the Nordic lands of Norway, the Kuntz are a well respected, established house known to many as having a short temper and well sort of being cunts. 

Enough cunt jokes, that is not the reason we are here Gershwin. We are here because Gersh hates the song 'God Bless America'. In fact, he says,

"no matter which home team you root, root, root for, “God Bless America” should be sent permanently to the bench.

Now, don’t get me wrong: When Major League Baseball ordered all teams to play the patriotic jingle after 9/11, I didn’t immediately object. Standing with my fellow fans, as one, and singing a paean to our country provided catharsis, comfort and shared heartache.
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But it wasn’t long before heartache became headache. The Yankees still play it at every game, but most teams, like my beloved Mets, play “God Bless America” only on Sundays or holidays. But even that’s too much.

Part of my outrage stems from ponderous Mussolini-esque introduction of the song, when fans are asked to rise, remove their caps and place them over their hearts.

Reality check, friends: “God Bless America” is not the National Anthem. The only songs Americans should stand for are “The Star Spangled Banner” and “Here Comes the Bride.”

Alright, Gersh... I don't know what kind of spider monkey foreign speak you're using but I don't like it. We get it bro, your 'smart'. Also it might help if you not to come off as a cunt when writing about how 'God Bless America' gives you a headache, but that is pretty hard for you. Another thing, I think people know that 'God Bless America' is not the national anthem. I mean we do the national anthem before graduation ceremonies and high school baseball games, I think we can tell the difference. Is it weird that the thing you focus on the most during a baseball game is the 7th inning stretch song that stadiums play? It's not like they strap you into the seat and make you listen. Go get a beer, some chicken, a plate of fries, maybe a hot dog. You're allowed to get up and move around during it, people won't think you're a terrorist for it.
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Honestly fuck getting one beer, buy like seven. Maybe then you can function on a lesser level of intelligence like the rest of us Gersh. Maybe you will actually like 'God Bless America' once you pound of a few down. Maybe you will realize that you have the most ridiculous name in the world and decide to change it. Crazy things happen all the time.

Reality check: You're the guy at the back of the bar trying to explain sabermetrics to a passed out chick on a couch.  And yet you still don't understand why you can't cultivate a younger demographic following. 

A+ job on the columns buddy, get back to me when you have something that matters to write about.